2011 was an amazing year. I felt an incredible amount of self worth. So
many beautiful experiences. It was easy to feel I was doing a good job. I
took good care of myself while pregnant, I had a beautiful, happy baby,
I simply had to love him and breastfeed him and read to him and take
him on walks and keep him clean and healthy and safe and feel like I was
doing a great job.
2012 more variables were introduced. I had to
start feeding him from sources other than (well, in addition to) the
breast. I had to baby proof. I had to figure out how to get anything
done with an attached baby, and later, an active and curious toddler. I
had to begin principles of discipline. And so on and so forth.
As
a result, it was harder to measure how well I was doing, and I went a
little cray cray. I was convinced that everything I did or didn't do
would give him cancer or ADHD. Or at the very least, make him
developmentally behind, or simply unhappy as a person. I did not feel
that same amount of incredible confidence I felt in 2011. I felt
neurotic. I worried myself sick. I made myself miserable much of the
time.
Here's to 2013 being a whole lot chiller than that madness.
And
to kick the chillness off, I'm feeding my 17 month old 8 layer dip for
breakfast. Hey, it has all the food groups. Even fruit, since tomato is
technically a fruit. I guess it doesn't have grains. Welp! I'll have to
add chips then. :-)
Hello 2013. I welcome you gladly.
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I love you Lola. You are a wonderful mother! I know you worry so much about being the best, and giving the best for Ethan and Ryan. I don't think you have to worry so much, because you naturally do a good job anyway without having to go overboard. You just scare yourself or convince yourself that you aren't doing enough, which isn't true. Ethan is healthy and happy, and you can't prevent him from harm or crappy things. That is a part of life, and his life too. I know as a parent I want perfect things and perfect children too, but I don't think that is part of God's plan. I just have to have faith that I am doing my best for my son, and whatever happens is all part of it.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing, and such an example to me. You over zealous, intense, lovely woman! I love you so much, thanks for always being my best friend! Love you and your family so much.
I hope none of that sounded mean, because it wasn't meant to. I was trying to compliment you and agree that you don't have to be so hard on yourself. You rock. Love love love love.
ReplyDeleteLove you Heidi! Thanks for your nice words. I think I misrepresent myself, though. It's not that I want a perfect child. It's that my guilt complex can't handle if I'M the one who messes him up. He can have flaws, I just don't want to have given them to him. I'm chilling out, though. :-)
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