There was a moment, during our vacation. I was alone with Ethan in the pool. We were having a great time. He loved being in the pool. I was holding him up in the air, out of the water, and he was looking down at me, dripping water off his cute baby body and grinning down at me like, "Mom, you're the best thing I've ever seen. This is awesome. Life's awesome. I'm kind of in love with you."
It strikes me now and
again, that Ethan won't remember this first year, and yet I always will.
It's like having this wonderful romance, but only one of us will
remember it. A million tender moments, making beautiful memories every
day, like when you're falling in love and you make memories the two of
you can always hold onto...except I'm the only one who will hold on.
know, I know...all of it will have a lasting impact on his psyche and
it's all worth it even if he can't remember specific memories, etc. But
it's a little bittersweet for me. It'll be a fact for him: Mom loves me
and always has. It's just the way it will have always been, for him. The
love will just be there. But I will remember falling in love.
it's kind of strange that he will never love me back the way I love
him. What child does? He'll grow up, meet the love of his life, and
she'll be his everything. He'll think no one ever loved him as much as
she does. And I'll know the truth.
But that's not what I'm really
thinking about. It just struck me, that moment in the pool. For a
mother, it's a little heartbreaking to know that all those sweet and
beautiful moments from the first year are only going to be remembered by
one of you.
Most relationships are give and take. But motherhood is just give. And I suppose I've always known that.